Sometimes I think I want to be mad or upset with you but I never am. You don't ever message me or email me or even text me and I know I spend more effort into this friendship than you do. I should be mad but I'm not. Being mad at you could be the only selfish thing I could do but that doesn't change anything. I guess I can't be mad at you because I care about you too much. So instead I'm mad at myself. For being so pathetic and caring so much about someone who doesn't give a minute in her day to say hi.

The Cape.

Started watching a new TV show today called the cape. It's pretty cool and it's pretty awesome. Upon returning to London for school, I spent the entire day cleaning and rearranging my room. It looks great and things seem to be looking up. Had a whole lot of alone time to do some reading and watch my shows. This reflects much of how I'll be spending the next semester.

Back.

No matter how many times I try to drop using this I always come back to it. It seems like I really just need a place to vent all my psychobabble so that the rest of the world doesn't have to endure such a cruel fate. I hate it I just hate it so much. I hate not being able to be who I want to be in order to make others more content with my decisions. It was no wonder I always found so much more comfort in my shows and my books. They never judged me. But now that I'm left fighting this battle by myself I plea for one thing. I just hope she comes home. Oh dear I do miss her so much. Ashton of course. She left to go to Hong Kong to pursue her dreams as a model after she won the Miss Toronto Chinese Pageant. She keeps moving forward but I still feel like I'm standing still. Why is that? The only thing I am certain of at the moment is that I would rather bury my face in a book than have to deal with another person. Things just aren't look too bright for me. I miss you Ashton Hong, but that won't change a single thing......

Happy Trash Can Day!!

June 6th

This is only the beginning of your birthday present. But I just thought it was important for you to know that you’ll always be amazing just the way you are.

Stupidity..

 
I can’t believe I was stupid enough to tell her how much I loved her. Ahhhhh.

Beside you.

Lyrics from above: Mariana’s Trench - Beside You.

I think I don’t believe in true love anymore. Well, to be more exact, not that it doesn’t exist, but it doesn’t exist for someone like me. I know in ever movie, the underdog gets the girl, and I’ve been the underdog for most of my life. Bigger build, not very popular, kind of a geek. True love doesn’t happen for everyone, simply because I’m not the hero of this story. I never will be. I can only be the heroine’s sidekick. Being funny and outgoing has landed me in the “gay best friend” category for many of the individuals I have fallen for. I do not hate myself for it, I just can’t expect anything else. And thus, love does not exist for me, but can only be a dream. But I guess it could be worst, what are we if we do not have a dream to live for.

Brotato Chips.

 
I have to admit the picture is ridiculously stupid but the “brotato chips” got me. That was pretty hilarious. I haven’t blogged about things I’ve done in the past little while since nothing really has happened to me in a while. Most of my time is spent at home making gifts for friends. Angelica, Ashton, Cynthia… all their birthdays are spaced enough to give me time to prepare. There has been one person I regret to say I haven’t had the chance to give anything to. Jennifer’s birthday is in September and I’m usually in London by then. But next year she might be in London as well. And if she isn’t I still intend to give her a gift she won’t seen forget. I have an idea but I do not know if it will turn out like I want it to. As soon as I am done with Angelica’s gift I basically have to start Jennifer’s three months in advance. I plan to take a hundred photos each meaning a part of me or her. This sounds like it’d be a lot of work so I plan on working hard on it.

Perfect world.

It seems to me that without a doubt I'm was torn between a rock and a hard place. I am currently in love with an individual who has boundless devotion to someone else, and another individual who would never see me in that light if I were the last man standing. The universe isn't unfair, it just doesn't like me in particular. The fact that I never end up with the individuals I am interested is okay as long as I know that one day, all this waiting will lead me to the right person. Right now however, I do not see that happening anytime soon. I don't really know what I feel about anything anymore. Maybe I never did love Cynthia. Maybe I loved her more than I could imagine. But either way it doesn't seem like that matters anymore. I will have to forget about everything and more. I will have to run to my hearts content because it hasn't been used for any other purpose anyways. I do not feel the blood flow through my veins anymore because it is frozen in a casket of my own sorrow. By this time tomorrow I will have forgotten their names, their existence, and how much they mean to me. If that were a perfect world that is.

Feeling alone.

I know this is a really bad time to ask for your forgiveness but I’m sorry, and this is a really bad time for you to be mad at me… You probably won’t ever read this anyways but I just wanted to write it down somewhere. I’m having a really bad day. My sister went to the states and bought something for everyone except me, not even like a pen. I just wanted something… Later on when we were talking something came up and she’s like “You can’t leave in the morning you have to take care of grandma because I am sleeping in. I decided to sleep in cause I didn’t sleep the last few nights.” Well then you shouldn’t have been so inconsiderate then… The first day in a week that I had a day off and you only think about yourself. On top of that you didn’t even think about telling me and was just gonna let me find out if the topic hadn’t come up. My dad pissed me off today so much too. He turned off my computer by accident and I told him not to touch it. It’s gonna break soon cause my computer hates me too. I told him not to do it again and he said it was my fault for having it on. He could have just asked me to turn it off and not be a dick face. He didn’t even wanna let me go out today. And he said that spending money on gifts no one will like is a waste of money. I spent weeks at a time preparing the perfect gifts for people and he comes along and says nothing I do matters? Well Fuck You buddy… I just wanted to be around someone today… but everyone was busy. I wanted to feel like someone cared but it didn’t work out. Maybe no one does care?