June 6th

This is only the beginning of your birthday present. But I just thought it was important for you to know that you’ll always be amazing just the way you are.

Stupidity..

 
I can’t believe I was stupid enough to tell her how much I loved her. Ahhhhh.

Beside you.

Lyrics from above: Mariana’s Trench - Beside You.

I think I don’t believe in true love anymore. Well, to be more exact, not that it doesn’t exist, but it doesn’t exist for someone like me. I know in ever movie, the underdog gets the girl, and I’ve been the underdog for most of my life. Bigger build, not very popular, kind of a geek. True love doesn’t happen for everyone, simply because I’m not the hero of this story. I never will be. I can only be the heroine’s sidekick. Being funny and outgoing has landed me in the “gay best friend” category for many of the individuals I have fallen for. I do not hate myself for it, I just can’t expect anything else. And thus, love does not exist for me, but can only be a dream. But I guess it could be worst, what are we if we do not have a dream to live for.

Brotato Chips.

 
I have to admit the picture is ridiculously stupid but the “brotato chips” got me. That was pretty hilarious. I haven’t blogged about things I’ve done in the past little while since nothing really has happened to me in a while. Most of my time is spent at home making gifts for friends. Angelica, Ashton, Cynthia… all their birthdays are spaced enough to give me time to prepare. There has been one person I regret to say I haven’t had the chance to give anything to. Jennifer’s birthday is in September and I’m usually in London by then. But next year she might be in London as well. And if she isn’t I still intend to give her a gift she won’t seen forget. I have an idea but I do not know if it will turn out like I want it to. As soon as I am done with Angelica’s gift I basically have to start Jennifer’s three months in advance. I plan to take a hundred photos each meaning a part of me or her. This sounds like it’d be a lot of work so I plan on working hard on it.

Perfect world.

It seems to me that without a doubt I'm was torn between a rock and a hard place. I am currently in love with an individual who has boundless devotion to someone else, and another individual who would never see me in that light if I were the last man standing. The universe isn't unfair, it just doesn't like me in particular. The fact that I never end up with the individuals I am interested is okay as long as I know that one day, all this waiting will lead me to the right person. Right now however, I do not see that happening anytime soon. I don't really know what I feel about anything anymore. Maybe I never did love Cynthia. Maybe I loved her more than I could imagine. But either way it doesn't seem like that matters anymore. I will have to forget about everything and more. I will have to run to my hearts content because it hasn't been used for any other purpose anyways. I do not feel the blood flow through my veins anymore because it is frozen in a casket of my own sorrow. By this time tomorrow I will have forgotten their names, their existence, and how much they mean to me. If that were a perfect world that is.

Feeling alone.

I know this is a really bad time to ask for your forgiveness but I’m sorry, and this is a really bad time for you to be mad at me… You probably won’t ever read this anyways but I just wanted to write it down somewhere. I’m having a really bad day. My sister went to the states and bought something for everyone except me, not even like a pen. I just wanted something… Later on when we were talking something came up and she’s like “You can’t leave in the morning you have to take care of grandma because I am sleeping in. I decided to sleep in cause I didn’t sleep the last few nights.” Well then you shouldn’t have been so inconsiderate then… The first day in a week that I had a day off and you only think about yourself. On top of that you didn’t even think about telling me and was just gonna let me find out if the topic hadn’t come up. My dad pissed me off today so much too. He turned off my computer by accident and I told him not to touch it. It’s gonna break soon cause my computer hates me too. I told him not to do it again and he said it was my fault for having it on. He could have just asked me to turn it off and not be a dick face. He didn’t even wanna let me go out today. And he said that spending money on gifts no one will like is a waste of money. I spent weeks at a time preparing the perfect gifts for people and he comes along and says nothing I do matters? Well Fuck You buddy… I just wanted to be around someone today… but everyone was busy. I wanted to feel like someone cared but it didn’t work out. Maybe no one does care?

New perspectives.

No Strings Attached is a movie with a cast consisting of Natalie Portman, Ashton Kutcher and many others. It is wildly hilarious and very romantic. It was enjoyable to watch and is very captivating. But there comes a time in everyone’s life when they start to think about what direction they want life to take them. Are you happy with being the guy everyone likes to have little spurs with or are you in it for the long run? In this movie, the main character has problems getting the girl to realized how much they are meant to be together. Wow what an original plot. But that’s what make movies the enjoyable, because many of them are recognizable to use. I only hope that one day I find someone that cares about me as much as I care about them.

Breaking free.

She says I’m too dependent. I always need company and someone to talk to. That is exactly correct. After I realized that life was worth living the moment I met you… I’ve always wanted to be around you. But I knew you and I could never be so I began my prompt search for someone else that I can call my mine. Someone that made me feel the same bliss that you did. I think I found her but I do not think it will ever happen either. You also told me that I have my priorities messed up and that I care too much about other people. I wish to show you that being too nice might bring some good one day. Maybe one day I can be that miracle that saves a friend because I went that extra mile. I will never put anything else… in front of my friends. I may not always be as direct as you would like, but I am working on that. The ability to know what I want, to be confident, and to be independent. Always striving to take another step forward so that I can even be considered important to you. I hope I don’t try to fly so high that my wings turn to wax.

Mad love.

You make me doubt each and every inch of my body. You see through me as though I am put on display, yet you have no desire to be with me. You make the sky so much clearer even in the midst of night where darkness falls. Never a moment has passed where I have not thought of your smile. I know I shall never be over you but I must give it my all. This has always been a relationship where only I have been hurt. Time and time again… I have proven myself unworthy. But then again, maybe it was never meant to be. It was not your beauty, grace, or laughter that got me. But how you make me want to be a better me. The fact that I always felt safe, and that you were always watching over me no matter where I was. You were my guardian angel, and you made me invincible. But invincible I am not, and nor is my broken fragile heart, for it has broken into pieces so small, they can pass through the head of a needle. But no amount of words will ever amount for what you mean to me, and nothing I say will ever change what I mean to you… Good night…. Maybe in my dreams will you ever smile my way.

In brightest day, in blackest night

No evil shall escape my sight

For those who worship evil's might

Beware my power Green Lantern's light

I hate love.

Why do I choose to come back here? Because I have nowhere else to go. No one to tell, no one to understand. Love is only another outlet of pain for me for I am forever destined to fall in love with those with stars crossed with mine. At first I thought I would only ever fall in love once in my lifetime. When I found Ashton. But as time passed she found someone else better suited for her. Or so she thought.

Although she is without a partner now... deep down, I know I never had a chance in God's given earth of ever having her return those feelings. And with lots of time I have come to accept such a fact. I may not pursue or anymore but I will forever be falling in love with her every single time I see her. Love is only accompanied by pain in my world. If life is perceived differently by every individual than I can only say that my perception of life has led me to this conclusion.

I always thought I could only fall in love once, but then it struck a second blow to my heart. There again, another person I could not reach with the depths of my heart. I was close friends with her and she let me into her world, but she would never date a friend. The weirdest part is that I realized how much I actually loved her when she started crying. It was a cute type of crying with little whimpers in between. In most situations where girls cry it is uncomfortable for me, and I wish for them to stop. But for her it was different.

When she started crying I loved her more, because I realized I didn't mind it. I didn't mind anything about her and that made her perfect to me. A perfect ten forever and ever. I told her I love her but I don't know if she knows I only say that truthfully to two people in this whole entire world. Not family, not anyone else. Just them two. I love you and I forever will love you. But you will never know. No one will ever read this blog because no one knows it exists, much like how no one knows I exist...

I love you, Cynthia Yang