Radio Head poster for my friend

Fear

As I try to face my fears I realize more and more how difficult it really is. But what is courage and why do I want it so much? The more I think about it the more I realize now much I need it. Is if fear of failure that prevents me from working out or studying? Is it fear that I may fail if I tried that caused all of it? To say that I am otherwise would just be an excuse. For my own sake, I need to be brave. I want courage. What does courage mean to me? Is it the ability to wake up in the morning knowing I am who I am? Or is it talking to those that I know don't care about me?

No... none of these things to me are courage. To me courage means standing in front of her.... knowing that I am confident about who I am. Courage means no longer fearing what I am not. She stands for everything I cannot be and everything that I want. She stands for an obsession I must overcome. If I have courage... I will be able to stand in front of her, fearless.

So why now? Why do I want this so much at this precise moment? Because I'm tired of not being able to fall in love. My hatred towards fixating on one person has made me cold. They say that being loved gives you strength, but loving another gives you courage. If that were true what do I have? I have an obsession that needs a way out so that I can truly be in love. I want to stand on my own two feet as my own person so that I may finally be loved by another. If I never have courage I will never be able to love someone to the fullest.

Tomorrow I will fall in love... today I will be brave. Maybe if I tell myself that enough times it'll finally happen...

Courage

Today I have decided that I will face my fears in order to become the man I want to be. I want to be courageous.

So like most courageous men I made a list.

1. Heights: I will stand above the CN Tower without hesitation.
2. Spiders: I will hold a spider for 5 seconds without freaking out.
3. Stand up: I will stand up for something I believe in for a cause I believe in.
4. Rejection: I will formally ask a girl out to dinner in true confidence.
5. Walking out: I will walk out on someone to show that I will not be held down.
6. Helping: I will help someone random on the street out with something I am unfamiliar with.
7. Snakes: I will find a snake and pet it.
8. Skateboard: I will stand on a skateboard with my own two feet and move forward.
9. Spicy foods: I will eat the spiciest thing I can find.
10. Pain: I will bring myself pain and be okay with it.
11. Singing out loud: I will sing in public without fear of judgment or torment.
12. Weight: I will conquer my fear of being fat.
13. Speaking my mind: I will tell someone that is mean to me what I feel about them.
14. Self-worth: I will prove to someone that I am worth every second of their time.
15. Jump: I wish to jump into a pool from a diving board.
16. Swim: I wish to learn how to swim so I do not die from jumping in.
17. Hold my own: I will do something spontaneous to show people I am me.
18. Travel: I will go a distance alone without fear or hesitation.

I will try to finish as much of these as I possibly can. Even if I do finish all of them, will I be fearless? I will find out with time. What I really want to know is, what is my greatest fear?

Bad day

The other day I encountered a rude awakening. I had done something to a friend I didn't think was anything special, but it was quickly interpreted the other way. She was my best friend and did not see anything of it, but her boyfriend had a few choice words for me. I do not wish to repeat his exact words for they are relatively violent and vulgar, but it may have included a few F-bombs. I understand how he feels since it was all very unintentional and had no ill intent. However, I took something from this experience for it hit me pretty hard. I had been thinking... maybe there was something wrong with me. Maybe I need to change.

I deactivated my FB account in accordance to starting anew. Now all I needed was a plan. But where could I start? I basically had no clue what was wrong with me and no clue what to do. I wanted to be something greater, something better. It wasn't only for my sake but for my friend's sake cause I don't wanna cause her any more harm or stress. Then it hit me. Someone once told me:

"Be courageous, for fear is the only barrier to greatness."

I want it.... I want courage.

Wish you were here