Fear

As I try to face my fears I realize more and more how difficult it really is. But what is courage and why do I want it so much? The more I think about it the more I realize now much I need it. Is if fear of failure that prevents me from working out or studying? Is it fear that I may fail if I tried that caused all of it? To say that I am otherwise would just be an excuse. For my own sake, I need to be brave. I want courage. What does courage mean to me? Is it the ability to wake up in the morning knowing I am who I am? Or is it talking to those that I know don't care about me?

No... none of these things to me are courage. To me courage means standing in front of her.... knowing that I am confident about who I am. Courage means no longer fearing what I am not. She stands for everything I cannot be and everything that I want. She stands for an obsession I must overcome. If I have courage... I will be able to stand in front of her, fearless.

So why now? Why do I want this so much at this precise moment? Because I'm tired of not being able to fall in love. My hatred towards fixating on one person has made me cold. They say that being loved gives you strength, but loving another gives you courage. If that were true what do I have? I have an obsession that needs a way out so that I can truly be in love. I want to stand on my own two feet as my own person so that I may finally be loved by another. If I never have courage I will never be able to love someone to the fullest.

Tomorrow I will fall in love... today I will be brave. Maybe if I tell myself that enough times it'll finally happen...