Happy Trash Can Day!!

June 6th

This is only the beginning of your birthday present. But I just thought it was important for you to know that you’ll always be amazing just the way you are.

Stupidity..

 
I can’t believe I was stupid enough to tell her how much I loved her. Ahhhhh.

Beside you.

Lyrics from above: Mariana’s Trench - Beside You.

I think I don’t believe in true love anymore. Well, to be more exact, not that it doesn’t exist, but it doesn’t exist for someone like me. I know in ever movie, the underdog gets the girl, and I’ve been the underdog for most of my life. Bigger build, not very popular, kind of a geek. True love doesn’t happen for everyone, simply because I’m not the hero of this story. I never will be. I can only be the heroine’s sidekick. Being funny and outgoing has landed me in the “gay best friend” category for many of the individuals I have fallen for. I do not hate myself for it, I just can’t expect anything else. And thus, love does not exist for me, but can only be a dream. But I guess it could be worst, what are we if we do not have a dream to live for.

Brotato Chips.

 
I have to admit the picture is ridiculously stupid but the “brotato chips” got me. That was pretty hilarious. I haven’t blogged about things I’ve done in the past little while since nothing really has happened to me in a while. Most of my time is spent at home making gifts for friends. Angelica, Ashton, Cynthia… all their birthdays are spaced enough to give me time to prepare. There has been one person I regret to say I haven’t had the chance to give anything to. Jennifer’s birthday is in September and I’m usually in London by then. But next year she might be in London as well. And if she isn’t I still intend to give her a gift she won’t seen forget. I have an idea but I do not know if it will turn out like I want it to. As soon as I am done with Angelica’s gift I basically have to start Jennifer’s three months in advance. I plan to take a hundred photos each meaning a part of me or her. This sounds like it’d be a lot of work so I plan on working hard on it.

Perfect world.

It seems to me that without a doubt I'm was torn between a rock and a hard place. I am currently in love with an individual who has boundless devotion to someone else, and another individual who would never see me in that light if I were the last man standing. The universe isn't unfair, it just doesn't like me in particular. The fact that I never end up with the individuals I am interested is okay as long as I know that one day, all this waiting will lead me to the right person. Right now however, I do not see that happening anytime soon. I don't really know what I feel about anything anymore. Maybe I never did love Cynthia. Maybe I loved her more than I could imagine. But either way it doesn't seem like that matters anymore. I will have to forget about everything and more. I will have to run to my hearts content because it hasn't been used for any other purpose anyways. I do not feel the blood flow through my veins anymore because it is frozen in a casket of my own sorrow. By this time tomorrow I will have forgotten their names, their existence, and how much they mean to me. If that were a perfect world that is.

Feeling alone.

I know this is a really bad time to ask for your forgiveness but I’m sorry, and this is a really bad time for you to be mad at me… You probably won’t ever read this anyways but I just wanted to write it down somewhere. I’m having a really bad day. My sister went to the states and bought something for everyone except me, not even like a pen. I just wanted something… Later on when we were talking something came up and she’s like “You can’t leave in the morning you have to take care of grandma because I am sleeping in. I decided to sleep in cause I didn’t sleep the last few nights.” Well then you shouldn’t have been so inconsiderate then… The first day in a week that I had a day off and you only think about yourself. On top of that you didn’t even think about telling me and was just gonna let me find out if the topic hadn’t come up. My dad pissed me off today so much too. He turned off my computer by accident and I told him not to touch it. It’s gonna break soon cause my computer hates me too. I told him not to do it again and he said it was my fault for having it on. He could have just asked me to turn it off and not be a dick face. He didn’t even wanna let me go out today. And he said that spending money on gifts no one will like is a waste of money. I spent weeks at a time preparing the perfect gifts for people and he comes along and says nothing I do matters? Well Fuck You buddy… I just wanted to be around someone today… but everyone was busy. I wanted to feel like someone cared but it didn’t work out. Maybe no one does care?

New perspectives.

No Strings Attached is a movie with a cast consisting of Natalie Portman, Ashton Kutcher and many others. It is wildly hilarious and very romantic. It was enjoyable to watch and is very captivating. But there comes a time in everyone’s life when they start to think about what direction they want life to take them. Are you happy with being the guy everyone likes to have little spurs with or are you in it for the long run? In this movie, the main character has problems getting the girl to realized how much they are meant to be together. Wow what an original plot. But that’s what make movies the enjoyable, because many of them are recognizable to use. I only hope that one day I find someone that cares about me as much as I care about them.

Breaking free.

She says I’m too dependent. I always need company and someone to talk to. That is exactly correct. After I realized that life was worth living the moment I met you… I’ve always wanted to be around you. But I knew you and I could never be so I began my prompt search for someone else that I can call my mine. Someone that made me feel the same bliss that you did. I think I found her but I do not think it will ever happen either. You also told me that I have my priorities messed up and that I care too much about other people. I wish to show you that being too nice might bring some good one day. Maybe one day I can be that miracle that saves a friend because I went that extra mile. I will never put anything else… in front of my friends. I may not always be as direct as you would like, but I am working on that. The ability to know what I want, to be confident, and to be independent. Always striving to take another step forward so that I can even be considered important to you. I hope I don’t try to fly so high that my wings turn to wax.

Mad love.

You make me doubt each and every inch of my body. You see through me as though I am put on display, yet you have no desire to be with me. You make the sky so much clearer even in the midst of night where darkness falls. Never a moment has passed where I have not thought of your smile. I know I shall never be over you but I must give it my all. This has always been a relationship where only I have been hurt. Time and time again… I have proven myself unworthy. But then again, maybe it was never meant to be. It was not your beauty, grace, or laughter that got me. But how you make me want to be a better me. The fact that I always felt safe, and that you were always watching over me no matter where I was. You were my guardian angel, and you made me invincible. But invincible I am not, and nor is my broken fragile heart, for it has broken into pieces so small, they can pass through the head of a needle. But no amount of words will ever amount for what you mean to me, and nothing I say will ever change what I mean to you… Good night…. Maybe in my dreams will you ever smile my way.

In brightest day, in blackest night

No evil shall escape my sight

For those who worship evil's might

Beware my power Green Lantern's light

I hate love.

Why do I choose to come back here? Because I have nowhere else to go. No one to tell, no one to understand. Love is only another outlet of pain for me for I am forever destined to fall in love with those with stars crossed with mine. At first I thought I would only ever fall in love once in my lifetime. When I found Ashton. But as time passed she found someone else better suited for her. Or so she thought.

Although she is without a partner now... deep down, I know I never had a chance in God's given earth of ever having her return those feelings. And with lots of time I have come to accept such a fact. I may not pursue or anymore but I will forever be falling in love with her every single time I see her. Love is only accompanied by pain in my world. If life is perceived differently by every individual than I can only say that my perception of life has led me to this conclusion.

I always thought I could only fall in love once, but then it struck a second blow to my heart. There again, another person I could not reach with the depths of my heart. I was close friends with her and she let me into her world, but she would never date a friend. The weirdest part is that I realized how much I actually loved her when she started crying. It was a cute type of crying with little whimpers in between. In most situations where girls cry it is uncomfortable for me, and I wish for them to stop. But for her it was different.

When she started crying I loved her more, because I realized I didn't mind it. I didn't mind anything about her and that made her perfect to me. A perfect ten forever and ever. I told her I love her but I don't know if she knows I only say that truthfully to two people in this whole entire world. Not family, not anyone else. Just them two. I love you and I forever will love you. But you will never know. No one will ever read this blog because no one knows it exists, much like how no one knows I exist...

I love you, Cynthia Yang

What allergy pills can do....

So I've been stressed to the point of no return. I can barely recognize myself at times. I haven't been able to sleep for most days and I haven't been able to control my eating habits. I grew zitzilla on my nose and it's babies on my chin. I am currently at one of my friends houses lately. We've both been a bit down. I've only told two people the whole scope of things so far, Jessica Poulton, and Heather Cater. Heather was just conveniently across the street, and Poulton was actually one of the first ones to ask. I haven't really had any good news from anyone in a while but I don't think I'd be able to be happy for anyone right now anyways. I'm having one of my sad spurts the last few days. I haven't really talked to anyone or wanted to talk to anyone in the last few days but I don't see that changing anytime soon. I'm at Jessika's house at the moment and she tells me how much she doesn't trust other people. I don't even know if she truly trusts me in her own heart. I think I wasn't meant to be around people. I totally wish I found this out before I went into nursing. I should have gone into business or something else, numbers have always been kind to me. I miss Toronto. I don't even know how I'm gonna live the rest of my life since I don't really like Toronto either. This has gone on too long with too much rambling. School. Clinical. Family. Life. What isn't going wrong...?

Time for change

It's only been my second year and I can't believe how much has changed since then. I kind of get the gist of where I should be at for the time being but I haven't reached it yet. I can independently cook, clean, and do all my laundry, but personal hygiene might have taken a stock market crash. Maybe it wasn't valued to me for a while but I've decided to change that along with many other things. I have decided to change my work ethics along with my daily routines as well.

I've discovered this thing called a vegetable. It seems to be what food eats, but apparently it's good for me too. I started eating more salads and fruits and such in supplement to my regular chunk of meat meals. On top of that I have stopped using the Forman Grill, toaster, and frying pan to burn the crap out of everything I eat. I started using the microwave to heat things up and the pot to boil things instead. Although it make not taste as good, in the long run these practices will define how I live for the rest of my life.

It's been two years and I've gone from playing sports to fat lard that can't even do three push ups. That's right people, three push ups. Wow that must be attractive to so many people. I will try my best to stay in shape by walking to places and working out more or so I will "try". Let's hope I don't cave in the next hour and a half. As for diet I will try to eat bigger meals in the morning and smaller meals at night, which you are supposed to do but food just tastes better at night!

The last two years haven't been a complete waste, since I can bake things now. I tend to dress a little less sloppy, and I have better time managing skills. Fixing my sleeping schedule might be a problem but other than that I seem to be pretty solid for time management. I've also become much more independent when it came to having company or being bored when people arn't around. I picked up old hobbies and have stopped drinking and partying. Maybe it's just not my cup of tea. I don't even like tea. I wonder what I'll stumble across next. Stay strong Kevin! I hope I'll be able to go through with everything I've set out!

Long night

This was an interesting week. I've also been watching all the Resident Evil movies since I just recently watched Resident Evil: Afterlife, and I thought to myself "Oh! Maybe it'd be cool if I actually knew what was going on!" It's been a pretty chill and I was able to jump for joy figuring out that I passed a course I thought I would've failed. My mark on the exam was a 63% and I panicked. But I added all my marks up and my final grade was a 65.25% which was just about a pass. The passing grade for all my courses is 65%.

To celebrate such a great finding me and my friends went to a comedy show featuring a tall guy called Dylan, and a french guy called Derek Seguin. They were both hilarious and super awesome! I never stopped laughing and it was the perfect stress reliever. I can't really repeat any of their jokes because they are either filled with too much swearing or it had to be told by them since they make the joke what it is. Whether it is their tone of voice, their accents, their facial features, or their funny sounds. They own the joke and telling someone else's joke is always a tough one.

I do remember this one joke though. Do not read this if you are too innocent to watch anything that doesn't have ponies in it.

***Dylan: I think porn is important in a relationship. I say that because being with one person for your whole life can be tough. Guys will never be everything you want them to be. We will never be a hunky fireman with strong ripping muscles but still cares about you in a timid way, that buys you flowers on Thursday just because it's Thursday. And for us guys, well... you girls no matter how hard you try.... will never be a threesome.***

It's probably more of a guy joke than anything else. It's been a long night because I haven't had any solid sleep since Saturday. I do not know what happened but I haven't been able to sleep throughout the night without waking up. I always wake up every other hour to turn. It all feels like a very tiring blur. On Thursday though I went downtown in hopes of playing a tournament but I thought it was canceled due to the lack of attendance. That was not the case though because 10 mins after I left I got a text from a friend saying they all showed up to play. Oh well what can you do. I then got invited to go out for the night and it was actually a lot funner than I expected. I do not really remember much of it but it was a good night.

Shades of Gray

In my life I've seen so many shades of gray;
I  see everything in black and white so what can I say.
With a heart of darkness I see pitch black;
My days seem dark but not as dark as my nights.
My soul so pure it seems almost clear;
Like the smile you once gave me as clear as light.
For you I shed my shades of gray;
To find out all that I had lost that day.
Shades of gray can you lend me some red green or blue;
I haven't seen a spot of happiness since the day I met you.

First day of labs

So it's the first day of labs again at school and I've started safe administration of needles as a review and how to removal staples and sutures. To start off this glorious note, yes Adace I wish I was in Mexico right now cause I'm cold and yes Chanelle I am indeed awesome =). Anyhow, getting back to the topic at hand. My first impression for the teachers was probably not one of epic proportions since I showed up late! The traffic got me stuck for a good twenty minutes in the turning lane. This all happened as the bus continually jolted us forward pressing a relatively hefty man into me. I was not saying that he was sweating and gross, but I definitely felt moisture. In lab there really wasn't much. Just went back from talking to simulation where we got to do stuff. It was really fun and fast actually. But having to be in front of a teacher made me really anxious. Having to behave isn't a concept I have really grasped yet, cause I'm so used to doing whatever I want even in clinical most of the time. It was nice seeing everyone though and all the pretty girls haha. Then I headed home, which was pointless, since I had a group meeting two hours late at school. A couple of friends and I ended up playing pool after the meeting and then headed over to Harveys. The last time we were there their card swiping machine wasn't working so they gave us back one of two cards. One had twenty five dollars on it and the other had three dollars on it. They said they could cover for the buck that we needed to pay but instead gave us back the twenty five dollar card. We all knew but chose not to say anything since we didn't want to be "that guy that gave back twenty five dollars to people that hated their jobs". It was a nice meal. It tasted like free, and that's my favourite flavour. Haha I have a bit of Asian in me I guess. I wonder what's happening in Toronto....

First weekend of 2011

I spent the last few days playing Magic the Gathering and entering free or cheap tournaments to get back into standard format. Magic is a game where after every two years your cards are no longer legal to play in tournaments so I had to build a new deck. It wasn't cheap but it was a whole lot cheaper than what everyone else was spending. I played $400 decks and still somehow managed to win. The first tournament I got first but it was an easier tournament with less people. On Friday I played Friday Night Magic and got 5th or 6th in my bracket which was a lot better than I anticipated since I ended with 3 wins and 2 losses. The two losses were also very close games since I lost in 3 and not two straight games. Everyone I played was more experienced and better than me too, a bunch of people said they were surprised with my standings.

It's fun to do geek stuff cause I miss being a total geek. I miss being able to be around other geeky people and be in a social network where I have to be someone I'm not to impress people. At least being a geek, I can relax a bit. Unless I'm playing a game then I get uber stressed out and want to rip my hair out.

Moving on then. The second day of lab was ridiculous. I spent the whole night reading up on things to be on top of my game. I was afraid someone would ask me something I didn't know and I'd get into trouble. But instead I kind of screwed up. I was half awake for lab so I wasn't paying much attention to anyone else. I was so focused on my own actions I started to act out what the teacher was saying. It wasn't too long before she started screaming "Stop it Kevin! We're not on that yet you're going too fast!". I snapped out of it for a while and we were all good. But disaster never strikes just once. I was playing with the medicine label for the IV bags and everyone saw me doing so, so they decided to put theirs onto the bag. I hadn't really done much but my teacher said "No!! You're supposed to mix the medication in before you label! Or else you won't know if there's anything in there! See Kevin, everyone's following you cause you were going too fast. See what happens?"

Gosh I felt like such a jerk after that. I apologized to her after class but she said it was ok. She's a new teacher so I didn't want her to think I was bullying her or anything I was just extremely tired homeslice. I wrote a letter today. But I don't know if I'll send it. What if they stopped thinking about you? What's the point? I don't know you tell me. The thing that really holds me back from doing a lot of things is the fact that I know... nothing is 100%. But then again, if we only did things we were completely sure of we wouldn't get much done. Help understand...... I don't know what I'm doing!

One long holiday

My winter break consisted of nothing other than pure evil. You'd probably be thinking, "Oh Kevin, how can that be? Where's your holiday spirit?" Well then, I must say, it was stolen by the holiday felon known as my parents. Dun dun dun.... *dramatic theme must insert*. The first day was alright, I went to the mall with Chanelle and watched Tangled. It was a really cute movie and I wanna own a chameleon now. To this day I still can't see anything in 3D, I don't know why I pay for it xD. But after that it snowballed into one big clusterfuck. I had plans with several friends and all of them got rescheduled to the next week since my parents told me on the 22nd that we had family events from the 23rd to the 26th and it was the first time notifying me. On top of that I was running on very little sleep since Ashton's Christmas present was a had coloured poster I had drawn. It took me three long nights to complete but it looks alright I guess. You can see it in my art photo album "Project Animus". Animus means extremely hatred in English but it's actually Latin for courage! Haha hope people don't get that mixed up! Anyhow back to the story. With no sleep and lots of disappointment I still was not going to be defeated. But then again there was Self & Others, a course half my class was worried about failing because of its ambiguous answers and ridiculous themes. I needed a 65% on the exam to pass the course since my courses are a 65% passing rate anyways. It was super stressful and to this day I still haven't received my mark. The week after, my parents randomly decided to rip out all of our carpet for hardwood flooring and so they forced me to stay home and help lift stuff and such so I wasn't able to go out to see most of my friends again. I got to see most of my guy friends once but that was about it. On top of all this nonsense my parents wouldn't stop yelling at me for pointless things that didn't matter and telling me I was useless and fat. Well the jokes on you! I bought so much nice cloths with your debit card. Muahahahaha. That's a passive protest right there. Such a merry Christmas. They stole my New Years Eve, and my Christmas Day, so I did some retail therapy. Man it's good to be back in London! I didn't really get to see Ashton, Tanya, or Mary Lee but it's ok. I'm hopeful for the future.

List of thing's bought:

• Munchkins: Pirate, Vampire, Christmas editions
• A new MTG deck
• two Tommy Hilfiger dress shirts
• Old Navy blazer and hoodie
• Tux vest from random expensive place
• Converse from Little Burgundy
• two shirts from TWLOHA
• weird spray thingy from Bath & Body Works
• Metric, Plain White T's, Pretty Reckless, B.O.B CD
• headphones
• jeans side chain, keychain
• lots of snacks and food!