Merry Christmas Ashton

 

 

 

Inscribing:

I've always believed in numbers and the equations and logics that lead to reason. But after a lifetime of such pursuits, I ask, What truly is logic? Who decides reason? My quest has taken me through the physical, the metaphysical, the delusional, and back. And I have made the most important discovery of my career, the most important discovery of my life: It is only in the mysterious equations of love that any logic or reasons can be found. You are the reason I am. You are all my reasons.

- John Nash

This was taken from the movie A Beautiful Mind, which was a movie I really loved. The drawing took maybe six hours of drawing and erasing. As for outlining and colouring, that took a good five hours or more. The devil and angel are artworks of Creative Zing but symbolize my two friends.

#4 - Rejection

I asked Chanelle out today. It went horribly and I felt bad about it. She said no so I gave her a bar of chocolate like Roxy had mentioned. Not to mention the fact that she pointed out that her last name was spelled incorrectly on the gift I had given her. Life without Facebook has it's downfalls. Either way, it may not have been the answer I wanted but it was an answer nonetheless. I conquered my fear of showing my emotions to others since it was my first time asking someone out. I might need practice though since I stumbled on most of my words. Rome wasn't built in a day. I have confidence that I'll be able to do so again sometime in the future since doing it actually isn't too hard. Getting a good answer and finding the right moment... that takes skill and experience.

Perfect gift

 

Inscribing:

Oh darling you bring me confidence happiness and wonder

With your beautiful soul you've pulled me from down under  

Just like superman you've enchanted me

By chance you've shown me passion, faith, and all that I could see 

You shine like fireworks and you'll always be my number one star

You're the only exception and I'll always love you just the way you are 

I'll always be good to you and make sure you are fine

You make my heart clench like sour candy because I wish you were mine
If you fall I'll be your parachute because you're my Cinderella 

  The best friend I could ever have can always stand under my umbrella

Flipped

Somehow I've managed to flip my sleeping schedule around and become nocturnal. I wake up super early now and can not get back to bed. But as soon as I get to class, I start snoozing. This will make an interesting exam experience. Being awake at random times of the night isn't the worst that could possibly happen. For once I feel like nothing can hurt me. I feel good about myself for who I am without anyone's help. My independence has led me to the ability to dictate my own mood. I am happy or sad for my own reasons only without worrying about what others may believe. There's really never any point to compare myself with others since everyone values different aspects of the human consciousness. The only part of my consciousness I can focus on at the moment is the fact that I have this one song stuck in my head. Every time I think about her this song pops in my head without me realizing it. I know now that happiness is not always found. Make your own happiness, your own miracles, your own destiny. You owe it to yourself.

It's a winter wonderland nurses!

Or at least that's what my psychology teacher posted online haha. The heavy snow in London has given us two days off clinical and postponed an exam! Although I do somewhat wish to get everything over and done with I cannot deny that this is somewhat of a gift. I am so happy that I live in Canada where winter wonderland exists!

Also lately I've been on my Tumblr account more, my "diary" and I recently found out that it became more of a community sort thing where you can follow and find people... I left Facebook in order to escape the whole community thing but the only people that are following me at the moment are photo enthusiasts so it is fine because they probably won't read my blogs at all haha. And on top of that, I don't know a single one of them.

HBD TSWIZZLE!

Happy birthday Taylor Swift. It's December 13th, 2010 and you're turning 21! You've helped me in so many ways through the good and the bad and you don't even know it. Well then again who really cares what happens to one Asian dude when you're that rich and famous haha. I guess I'm just thinking of a reason to procrastinate so I don't have to study at the moment! Anyways, best of wishes and a Merry Christmas to everyone!

Taylor Swift - Enchanted

This night is flawless, don't you let it go
I'm wonderstruck, dancing around all alone
I'll spend forever wondering if you knew
I was enchanted to meet you

Please don't be in love with someone else
Please don't have somebody waiting on you

If you ever read this, I think I was always scared to tell you that I loved you because I thought you deserved better. Hopefully I'll get a chance to see you this winter, and hopefully I'll be able to stand before you thinking that we were equals. That might not ever happen but tomorrow's just another mystery. It might be selfish for me to say but I always had hoped you'd be waiting for me and not anyone else. Merry Christmas.

Connecting

In search of myself, I've been looking for guidance. I've been to Matt's Baha'i religion discussion thingy again where they spoke of imitation and conformity. One thing I have learned from Matt's Baha'i group is that "imitation is suicide". But in place of us, it is everything we stand for that dies, and if you don't stand for something, you'll fall for anything. Never let go of what you believe in just because it's easier to fit in. I've also talked to my roommate about who he thinks I am and who I think I am. Although I appreciate his sincerity, I still believe he has a very skewed image of who I really am. I'm awkward, hypocritical and naive. I always try to do the best I can but never take responsibility for when I do not succeed. But maybe that's ok.

I talked to my favourite teacher Katie for a good hour and a half this one time when she was free after our evaluations. I told her everything and I asked if it were ok to not know who I was. She told me that it was normal to be unsure of who you are and to be awkward. She really cared about me and gave me good advise and a few wise words. She also gave me information for a consult if I ever needed one. I am stressed for exams and up to my neck in chores. With all that in mind I still think I'll have time to reflect on what she has said for self actualization is one of my top priorities still.

Maybe it is ok to be awkward. I like who I am to some extent even though I have aspects I dislike, I believe my faults make my strengths that much greater. I may have low self esteem, but it allows me to never wanna be looked down on which gives me limitless determination and willpower. Despite the fact that I am weak of mind and am told I am useless on a regular occasion, I get up in the morning hoping that I can make a difference in the world. Even when I am not sure I can take care of myself I still wish to take care of others. It may sound stupid but I think I like it. Maybe it is ok to be me. If someone likes who I am then that might be the greatest gift of all.

It is too bad my "wisdom" or "maturity" never really seems to translate when I speak in real life. My awkwardness does not allow me to sound good in every day conversation. I've successfully scared off every single girl I've ever been attracted to haha. Oh well, I have faith. Faith that tomorrow is another opportunity to prove to myself that I am worthy. Katie was right I may never ever get that acceptance from my parents but it doesn't mean I can't accept myself. That might be something I'll be dealing with forever but eventually... I'll be ok with who I am despite all that. There is never a rush and it really is ok to be who you are, as long as you are true to yourself... Thank you Katie.

Home for Christmas

I'm not really clear as to why I choose to go home for Christmas. Does it have something to do with the fact that I still rely on her? Time will tell... I may be taking baby steps towards independence but at least there's progress. Slowly but surely it will happen. Other than that I never really felt a big difference between living in London and living in Toronto. Although London is associated with work stress, and Toronto is associated with family stress, I never really worried about either one. They both make me go bananas but truth be told, I do not feel much of a difference in terms of attachment. This may be because I do not feel like I belong anywhere yet. I have good friends in both places but no one I would say was irreplaceable. Building that sense of belonging is what I've longed for. Hopefully someday soon I'll be able to wake up realizing that this life is mine.

So what does this holiday season have to do with anything? Do I still believe in Christmas? I would like to think so. The decorations on my ceiling and walls are just to spark that little bit of motivation to go on. The only thing I wish to receive is happiness. Whether it be a hot cup of coffee or a plush toy, happiness is out there if I look hard enough. I wish to give hope and joy to all those I touch. For as long as I breathe air, I shall try my best to better the lives of others.

Plug In Stereo - Oh Darling (Cady Groves)

Ethan Gibson - Take it All (Cady Groves)

The Pretty Reckless - Just Tonight

My room!

The Pretty Reckless

Take me I'm alive
Never was a girl with a wicked mind
But everything was better when sun goes down

The lead singer of the band is Taylor Momsen. Their songs are rough and loud but have a certain lure to them. Her voice is usually high and girly, but once the mic busts out her voice hits a new deep. She has the rocker look and the pretty princess act down to a T. She pushed hard to form and maintain her band without any major promotion. Her album Light me up has placed first on the US Rock Charts and she's had three singles in the last year. On top of that she's beautiful and writes her own music just to make her a triple threat. If there's anyone I could imagine idolizing, it'd be this rock goddess that had nothing handed to her.

Let it snow

I can't believe I went to school at seven in the morning with 3 feet of snow. I'm either incredibly amazing or incredibly stupid.

Geekfest

Time and time again I've been captivated by a loser or outcast who somehow manages to rise above all else and save the day. Is my love for geekiness really that abnormal? Or does everyone secretly want to rise from whatever situation they're bound by and be a new person? One they may look forward to waking up being. We are all bound by something, and my awkwardness may be mine. The next one in a chain of geek flicks I've been obsessed with is Sucker Punch. It's about a girl who enters a psych ward and breaks free through the imagination of the mind. We can all create our own paradise if we look hard enough. Hopefully one day I'll be able to become that geek hero.

Truth seeking

Search for the truth is the noblest occupation of man.

Many of us know what the right things to do are, but how many of us actually follow through? When was the last time you really thought about if you were a good person or not? I started thinking about all of this a few weeks back when I deactivated my Facebook and it's been somewhat rewarding. I have much more time to study and to clean and rearrange my room. It's definitely become my favourite set up I've had in any room. That may be because I have free reign over what I do with it as opposed to my room in Toronto or Residence the year before. I'll put pictures up as soon as I'm actually done with everything.

I put Chanelle's picture above my computer space because being around her always seemed to be a good thing for me... Except for my grade 12 year that is. That was the pinnacle of awkwardness in my already awkward life. Ashton has only one picture out at the moment in my room because it was the picture she gave me. I have more of her I just didn't think I should put it up. I needa get over my dependence and obsession of her and having less of her around might be the only way. I have yet to have a picture of Luna and I or Sky and I, but I plan to do so this Christmas!

The rest of the room is without walls. All you see are posters, a gagillion pictures of Taylor Swift, and my art. I never wanna get bored of my room and this was how I planned to do so. I have Christmas decorations hanging from the ceiling and Christmas lights strung around my room. I was hoping some festive spirit could cheer me up from being all alone these past few days.

I've had more time to learn to cook as well. I got a Gamecube and learned how to play Super Smash Bros. Melee. We put up a Christmas tree in the living room upstairs. Everything is going so much smoother without all the distractions I used to worry about. I don't care about girls, popularity, or Toronto anymore. That stuff can stay in my past or the future as long as it is not within reach. I even had time to go to a friend's Baha'i event. I learned about his beliefs and faith. That was where the discussion about the search for truth came about. Life's been simple, life's been great. I can't ask for anything more.

Radio Head poster for my friend

Fear

As I try to face my fears I realize more and more how difficult it really is. But what is courage and why do I want it so much? The more I think about it the more I realize now much I need it. Is if fear of failure that prevents me from working out or studying? Is it fear that I may fail if I tried that caused all of it? To say that I am otherwise would just be an excuse. For my own sake, I need to be brave. I want courage. What does courage mean to me? Is it the ability to wake up in the morning knowing I am who I am? Or is it talking to those that I know don't care about me?

No... none of these things to me are courage. To me courage means standing in front of her.... knowing that I am confident about who I am. Courage means no longer fearing what I am not. She stands for everything I cannot be and everything that I want. She stands for an obsession I must overcome. If I have courage... I will be able to stand in front of her, fearless.

So why now? Why do I want this so much at this precise moment? Because I'm tired of not being able to fall in love. My hatred towards fixating on one person has made me cold. They say that being loved gives you strength, but loving another gives you courage. If that were true what do I have? I have an obsession that needs a way out so that I can truly be in love. I want to stand on my own two feet as my own person so that I may finally be loved by another. If I never have courage I will never be able to love someone to the fullest.

Tomorrow I will fall in love... today I will be brave. Maybe if I tell myself that enough times it'll finally happen...

Courage

Today I have decided that I will face my fears in order to become the man I want to be. I want to be courageous.

So like most courageous men I made a list.

1. Heights: I will stand above the CN Tower without hesitation.
2. Spiders: I will hold a spider for 5 seconds without freaking out.
3. Stand up: I will stand up for something I believe in for a cause I believe in.
4. Rejection: I will formally ask a girl out to dinner in true confidence.
5. Walking out: I will walk out on someone to show that I will not be held down.
6. Helping: I will help someone random on the street out with something I am unfamiliar with.
7. Snakes: I will find a snake and pet it.
8. Skateboard: I will stand on a skateboard with my own two feet and move forward.
9. Spicy foods: I will eat the spiciest thing I can find.
10. Pain: I will bring myself pain and be okay with it.
11. Singing out loud: I will sing in public without fear of judgment or torment.
12. Weight: I will conquer my fear of being fat.
13. Speaking my mind: I will tell someone that is mean to me what I feel about them.
14. Self-worth: I will prove to someone that I am worth every second of their time.
15. Jump: I wish to jump into a pool from a diving board.
16. Swim: I wish to learn how to swim so I do not die from jumping in.
17. Hold my own: I will do something spontaneous to show people I am me.
18. Travel: I will go a distance alone without fear or hesitation.

I will try to finish as much of these as I possibly can. Even if I do finish all of them, will I be fearless? I will find out with time. What I really want to know is, what is my greatest fear?

Bad day

The other day I encountered a rude awakening. I had done something to a friend I didn't think was anything special, but it was quickly interpreted the other way. She was my best friend and did not see anything of it, but her boyfriend had a few choice words for me. I do not wish to repeat his exact words for they are relatively violent and vulgar, but it may have included a few F-bombs. I understand how he feels since it was all very unintentional and had no ill intent. However, I took something from this experience for it hit me pretty hard. I had been thinking... maybe there was something wrong with me. Maybe I need to change.

I deactivated my FB account in accordance to starting anew. Now all I needed was a plan. But where could I start? I basically had no clue what was wrong with me and no clue what to do. I wanted to be something greater, something better. It wasn't only for my sake but for my friend's sake cause I don't wanna cause her any more harm or stress. Then it hit me. Someone once told me:

"Be courageous, for fear is the only barrier to greatness."

I want it.... I want courage.

Wish you were here

The Ex

Backyard fun

HBD Daniel

Boondock Saints

Project Ashes

Life Suks Because...